theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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