Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
