Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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