i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she smelled like a LAN party
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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