My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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