Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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