I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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