I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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