how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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