i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
