i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
