so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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