you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
