his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
