If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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