just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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