i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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