I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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