i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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