I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
