need another drink. this is the easiest way
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
