don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
