I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
