I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
