Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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