Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
