i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
