Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
where am i from again
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
