for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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