well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
