My nipple is on Facebook.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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