just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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