if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
