shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
