The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize