THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
