The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
