Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
