She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
