If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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