3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
