bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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