2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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