How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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