I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
