So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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