i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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