I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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