You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
