You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
