That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you made out with another girl for some wings
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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