Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
