the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
