It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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