"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your cock deserves a montage
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
