so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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