I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
