There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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