I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
