my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
