is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love having hate sex.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
