I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
