Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
