I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
