my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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