i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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