this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
