Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's shark week go big or go home
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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