I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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