We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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