My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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