Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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