Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
